dumps

I am suddenly and for no reason feeling extremely blue. Random horrible attack of sadness and despair with no idea how to fix it. I am for the first time in almost a year "Simon and Garfunkel Sad". I have the "Old Friends" 3 disc set which I put in my player on random play whenever I am deeply upset or depressed and i just popped them in, barley noticing my pick until it began to play. It even played my most down-in-the-dumps-let's-push-me-down-more favorite, "the Blues Run the Game" second, it's funny when random play fits my feelings so well, "Blessed" is now playing. I just feel incredibly tired and I don't know what to do about it. I have found over the years that while I can often find small respites from my bouts of depression I really just have to ride them out in the end. Often things I do to make myself feel better leave me feeling worse and/or hollow inside. I just called Chad, because often his voice makes me feel better, it didn't work. He was busy and said he'll call me later and now I just pray to be asleep when he calls, because I feel like I don't want to talk to him, but I know I feel even worse inside if I do miss his call or if he doesn't call, yet the call will likely leave me empty too. I hate this oppressiveness, which makes me apathetic to my passions and hateful sometimes even hurtful to my loved ones. I wish there were some permanent fix, a patch to cover this character flaw and yet I know no such thing exists. I must try to be my best and ride this out. I must try and get my work done, I must not let my depression ruin anything for me. I also need to take the comforts I can from my joys and my friends. I need to not lash out and I have to try to hold myself above the despair, i also need to learn not to apologize for it as I often do. Like it or not I get depressed and I'm far from my best then, and sometimes that's ok.